I haven't been myself lately. Not in the slightest. I hope those of you who love me, if you really do, will understand this.
Know that there are things that bother me that I cannot talk about. Really dumb things. Talking about them makes me feel like an idiot. I guess some of the things I'll try to write here. Because, I dont know if you'll read this.
I have serious jealousy problems. To the point that it makes me hate people. Im such an over-posesive person, especially with my friends. If they hang out w/o me. I get jealous. If they are going o/w someone. I get jealous. And it may seem like I am mad, but Im not. Im just SO jealous.
I dont have a heart. Why? Because its been broken so many many times. This is one of my major problems. Liking people. Because for some reason, I am never liked back. And that, breaks my heart. The person I like right now.. yeah, since this wont be friends only I cant type it.. haha, but everyone knows. Apparently its obvious. And its obvious that he doesnt feel the same way. I dont want to like this kid, for a lot of reasons.. but I still do. The only way I can stop is by hating him.. and I've tried that, it didnt work. But its ok, I guess. In 4 months I will probably never see him again. I could of easily avoided him all together. I dont know why I didnt. Maybe because Im a pedofile. :p
I cant just open up. Especially to people who dont open up to me. I like to be on a close level with my friends, especially my best friends. If you read this, I want you to know. You can talk to me about anything. Anything at all. I dont care what its about. Tonight I had a discussion about pubic hair with someone. Awkward, but funny. I dont like to be uncomfortable around my friends. And when I can tell there is something wrong and they dont tell me about it, I get uncomfortable.
I feel like I've lost. I dont know why exactly. Perhaps because I feel a great distance between me and my friends. Perhaps because I've fucked up with my grades. Perhaps because Im sitting here alone in my room, writing this and am completely worried that someone I care about is mad at me.
I miss the summer.
I miss being a winner.
I miss being young. When it was so easy to have fun. When problems werent so big and neither were the consquences.
You can comment if you want. I would enjoy that.